Updated: Aug 8
Previously on Total Divas: We were introduced to the main cast and the supporting cast. Nikki Bella didn’t know what happened in the Notebook, Ariane’s boyfriend, Vinny, tried to fight Brodus Clay, Nattie had to babysit two grown adults, Trinity had to deal with Ariane, Brie Bella didn’t do much, Eva Marie dyed her hair red instead of blonde, and Jojo said a couple of words.
“A Tango with Fandango” sounds ominous because Fandango has a bad reputation on this show. Eva Marie and Jojo are watching Monday Night Raw when Fandango comes out with one of his dancers. Eva claims that Fandango is WWE’s biggest star, which I disagree with, but we’ll go with it for the show. After watching Fandango’s entrance, Eva thinks she should be his dancer since she doesn’t want to train to be a wrestler and just wants to be on the main roster. She assures Jojo that she has years of dance experience. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, Ariane is backstage throwing a fit and tossing clothes around because she can’t find any gear to wear. I don’t know much about wrestling, but wouldn’t you pick out your gear before you get to work rather than at the arena? After the Wrestlemania debacle, Ariane tells Trin she doesn’t want Ms. Sandra to make their gear anymore (check out my recap of episode 1 for details on this). Trin is hesitant but lets Ariane be Ariane because it’s easier than arguing with her.
After the show, Brie and Bryan Danielson will visit John Cena in Tampa. The couples will “life swap” by spending a few days in Tampa at John’s house and then in Aberdeen, Washington at Bryan’s. This should go well. John Cena has his own private jet and Nikki loves bragging about it.
We flash to Eva and Jojo backstage in catering when Nattie comes and talks to them. Nattie tells Jojo that she can’t eat cake since she’s a wrestler now. If I were Jojo, I would’ve punched Nattie in the face and eaten my cake anyway, but Jojo just laughs. Eva asks Nattie about Fandango and his dancers since Nattie knows all. Eva tells Nattie that she has professional dance experience (to keep track, this is the second person she’s told this to) and right on cue Fandango just happens to walk into catering. Fandango flirts with Eva and it’s honestly kind of creepy, but everyone just seems to go with it. Eva tells Fandango that she wants to be his dancer and Fandango tells her that they’re looking for someone more permanent, so she should try out. She again reiterates that she knows how to dance.
We are now on John Cena’s private jet with Brie, Nikki, John, and Bryan. It’s kind of weird and I honestly felt bad for Bryan because you can tell he hates everything about this. Eva tweeted that she wants Cena as her tag team partner, prompting Nikki and Brie to criticize her. Jojo told Eva to apologize to Nikki for “being disrespectful,” but Nikki is still upset, according to the twins. John Cena says Eva is just trying to promote herself and make a name for herself, and Nikki gives him a death stare.
I don’t know everything about wrestling, but tweeting that you want to tag someone doesn’t seem disrespectful to me. Especially since John Cena is WWE’s most important wrestler, as we learned last week. Since Eva is always in trouble, I think Nikki is just jealous, but I’m sure this will come up again in future episodes.
Mark when Eva Marie says she can dance
Meanwhile, Eva Marie decides to tell Mark and Jane that she wants to be Fandango’s dancer. Mark makes a face that tells you everything you need to know about how he feels about this. Eva says that she has a professional ballroom dance background and Jane is shocked because she knew nothing about this. Mark says that she can have the chance to prove it at rehearsals the following week. Eva and Jojo are then backstage when Fandango comes up and tries to flirt with both of them at the same time. Awkward. Eva tells Fandango that she has an audition coming up. After he leaves, Eva tells Jojo that she doesn’t actually have any dance experience (shocking), but doesn’t think it will be a problem.
We now flash to Eva and Jojo’s hotel (or apartment? I’m not sure), where they hear a knock on the door. Eva opens it and it’s this bald guy wearing a deep V-neck shirt Eva slams the door in his face. She then opens the door again and jumps in his arms and we find out that this is Jonathan (that’s 3 Jons), her boyfriend, apparently. Eva says that they’re been dating for 2.5 months. Jojo is shocked because Eva never even mentioned having a boyfriend even though the two of them have spent all this time together.
Thankfully Nattie wasn’t there because Jonathan brought Eva some donuts from the place where they had their first date. This man then PROPOSES right in the hotel room. After dating for 2.5 months. My dude, you couldn’t find a better place to propose? You couldn’t wait a little longer to propose? I mean, I get some people to move fast but WOW. Eva goes and tells Jojo that she’s engaged and Jojo is shocked. I would be too if this man that I didn’t even know existed showed up to my hotel/apartment and proposed to my friend when I didn’t even know she was dating anyone.
Ariane and Vinny are driving around and Ariane calls this guy named Mike to make gear for her and Trin and wants it done in just a couple of days. She specifically says that she wants the gear to be sexy and sparkly which Mike says he can do. Ariane is super proud of herself for making a phone call. A few days later, Ariane goes to pick up the gear and Mike’s shop is literally in what looks like a lingerie shop. Ariane tries on the gear and is in love with it. She then calls Trin and this is my favorite part of the entire episode.
Jon/Jimmy Uso’s face when Ariane is on the phone
When Ariane calls, Jon/Jimmy Uso immediately makes a face and it’s the same face that I make a lot of the time when Ariane is talking. After Ariane’s off the phone, Jon starts to mimic her and I strongly recommend going back to watch this because it is perfect. Jon is my favorite supporting character on this entire show so far.
We now go to John Cena’s mansion. Nikki gives Brie and Bryan a tour of the house which looks like a museum and like nobody actually lives there. Brie makes a comment that John’s guest house is better than her and Bryan’s apartment, which I’m sure makes Bryan feel great about himself. Brie explains that Bryan lives in the house that he grew up in as a child, so there is sentimental value to it.
However, she makes it clear that she is in love with John’s house. Nikki then takes Brie for a ride in a Ferrari and Brie is worried that Nikki will get pulled over for speeding. Nikki says that’s fine and she’ll just lift up her shirt for the officer and all will be good. Classic Nikki. In the next scene, we get the “life swap” which is the two couples swimming in Cena’s pool. Bryan clearly hates John and he doesn’t really make an effort to hide that fact which is super entertaining.
Jonathan and his deep V-neck
Back to Eva and Jojo’s hotel/apartment, Jonathan is already leaving. The show made it seem like he stayed a day and then dipped. Eva talks about Fandango again as soon as he leaves, wondering if they have chemistry. Honey, didn’t you just get engaged to V-neck Jonathan? Shouldn’t you be excited about your engagement? Eva apparently has a “dinner” with Fandango that night, which honestly she seems to be treated as a date. She decides to take off her engagement ring which Jojo comments is super shady because why would you need to take off your engagement ring for a business meeting?
Eva goes to the dinner and she and Fandango are clearly flirting the entire time. Eva once again tells Fandango for the 5th time that she has dance experience and is just digging herself deeper into this lie. Fandango says that they can give each other massages. I am wondering what Jonathan thinks when he watches this episode and sees his brand new fiancee on a date with some dude that she works with for “business reasons”. That’s the show I want-Jonathan reacts to Eva pretending like she doesn’t have a boyfriend or a fiance.
Anyway, Fandango invites Eva out to the club with him and “his boys” so Eva goes. Fandango is clearly hammered and flirted with Eva the entire time, and she is not doing a whole lot to stop it.
We are now back with the Twins, John, and Bryan. The two couples are on their way to Aberdeen, Washington, to stay at Bryan’s house. On the plane ride there, the guys challenge the twins to a wood-chopping contest which I’m sure will go well. When they get to Bryan’s house, the first thing that John Cena notices is that Bryan doesn’t have a TV and I really thought the man was going to start crying. Bryan mentions that he doesn’t really watch TV, so he doesn’t need one.
When Bryan is out of the room, John and Nikki start grilling Brie about if this is something she really wants and if the house is big enough for kids. They are both super condescending and act as if the house is disgusting. It is literally just a normal house that normal everyday people would live in. I even thought it was really nice and comfy. Nikki also asks Brie if she’s okay living there as if she’ll never move again.
First of all, not everyone can make as much money as you, John. Second, Nikki, I want to see your house because you act like John’s mansion is yours. The couples decide to compete in the wood-chopping contest, and the twins are wearing high heels and tiny outfits. Cena chops through a ton of wood like the Hulk, the Twins do okay, and Bryan tries to show off by going super slow and loses the competition for the guys.
John goes to bed because he can’t live without a TV, and Brie and Nikki get wine. Brie complains about Aberdeen to Nikki in a field. Nikki confirms that Brie would hate Aberdeen and says that Bryan’s house needs to be torn down and completely redone. Why Nikki?? What is so wrong with this perfectly normal house to justify tearing it down and re-doing it? That just seems like a lot of extra work that is completely unnecessary.
We are back at an episode of Raw where Eva Marie is preparing for her audition. Jojo mentions how Eva is shady again, citing her lying about being a dancer, hiding her boyfriend, and dying her hair a different color as examples. Eva decides to go talk to Mother Nattie to calm her about the audition. Nattie doesn’t have a whole lot of sympathy for her and brings up Trinity being an actual professional dancer. Ariane is also there and starts being super negative, which seems to be her entire personality. Mark and Jane then come and lead Eva to the stage where she will have her audition.
All the girls are there watching because I think they knew it would be a disaster. Eva comes out and kind of just slowly walks rather than dances. Eva doesn’t even pretend to know what she’s doing when Fandango teaches her moves. Mark and Jane are NOT impressed and Trinity has my favorite quote of the entire episode when she says “Eva, if you’re a dancer, then I’m a frickin’ astronaut”. Jane leaves without saying a word, and Fandango says they won’t run the audition again and leaves. Mark asks Eva if she’s sure she’s a trained dancer and tells her “this is not good.”
Breaking away from Eva, we flash to Ariane and Trin wearing their new gear from Mike. Trin is not impressed and claims “all my cookie is hanging out”. Ariane seems unconcerned and suggests they ask Sandra to fix the gear she didn’t make. Ariane apologizes insincerely when they ask Sandra to fix the gear. I’m starting to think that Ariane has attitude issues.
Because of the non-apology, Sandra just says no and goes back to working on other gear which made me laugh. Trin and Ariane both end up wearing old gear that they could’ve just worn all along. Trin is happy because it covers everything it is supposed to cover and Ariane is mad because she doesn’t think it is sexy enough. I have a feeling we are nowhere near done with this story.
We now are backstage with Eva Marie as she awaits her punishment. STEPHANIE MCMAHON comes into the room which is when you know that things are not looking good for Eva. Stephanie is SUPER mad about Eva lying about being a professional dancer and says she made a fool of herself and a fool of the company. McMahon also basically says, “I don’t even know who you are” which is super funny to me because Stephanie is the queen of pettiness. Eva starts to cry and Steph really does not care at all and tells Eva that if she screws up again, she’ll be fired and won’t be brought back.
What an episode. Join me next week when we discuss S1E3 “Planet Funk is Funked Up”. I don’t remember, but I’m imagining that Ariane is going to do something completely unnecessary again. I hope Jon/Jimmy Uso is around.